Rewriting The Stars

I write with pen, because I’m afraid to erase the proof of us from this planet for good. I want to be your summer storm and your winter sun. I want to consume you until all we have left is this paper and ink to prove our being, until all we have left is this poem.

Your voice tastes like rain and your eyes strike like lightning.  I am both drowning and burning and I don’t know how that can be.

My head hurts and maybe it's from all the coffee I've been drinking to keep me awake because all I see when I shut my damn eyes to dream is you.

There was once a time that I wished for the day I would be able to look at your face and feel nothing, for I was afraid to love and lose you. Now I look at your face and hope that you aren't wishing to feel nothing when you look at me. Now I think of not feeling anything for you anymore, and it's like all the light disappeared from the world. Like all my happiness vanished into thin air. Now I wish for the day I can hug you as tightly as I can and see your beautiful smile once again. I guess I wasn't wishing hard enough to feel nothing back then, but now I am wishing with my heart and soul everyday to see you, to hug you again. I can only hope that's enough.

You are my everything. Don't say that I'm just one of your many others. Not when I have ripped my heart out of my chest and put it in your hands after hiding it behind miles of concrete walls for so long. Don't tell me I'm replaceable when you're the only person I want, when you're all I see. Please please don't tell me that I love you more than you love me. I can't handle that again... You are my everything Please say I'm your everything, too...

Everyone always says "If you ever need me, I'll be there." But when I do need someone, when I crying my eyes out in the corner thinking of bringing the blade out once again, when I can't find the motivation to get out of bed, when nothing feels right and all I want to do is cry and have someone tell me it's okay, nobody's there. Never. So how am I supposed to believe you when you say "Trust me, I'll be there no matter what. All you have to do is call.", but when I do call, you're busy or ignore the ringing? How am I supposed to tell you when something is wrong when you never listen for the goddamn ringing?

They say all things come to an end, lets hope this shit and problems will end. And I've heard things last longer than you'd ever expect, lets hope this happiness will last - maybe forever. Hope is all I have, it's what I cling to. Hope is what's keeping me alive.

What I need now is a hug not a 20 or a 'it gets better'. I don't need apologies for things that in no way concerned you. So don't tell me things will get better, because you don't know that for sure. Don't change the subject, this is how I feel and I want to talk about it. Just wipe my tears away. Help me forget what haunts me. Make me smile but please don't brush me away afterwards like everyone else. Hug me as tight as you can and don't let go.

I found a syringe under your bathroom sink and I fit it into the crook of your neck and tried to suck the sadness out of your throat but it overflowed and flooded the bathroom and swallowed us both alive. I know everything hurts but I saw you smile twice today. Maybe things will work out.

I’m scared. Because you’re everything. Fuck. You’re everything. Every stitch lacing up the holes in my skin, everything stopping me from cutting open any more. Every drop of rain hitting my cheeks so hard that the tears blur away. Everything bright in the galaxy. Everything that makes the world beautiful. Even though you don't see that, you are everything I love. Oh god it’s so beautiful when you’re around. I don’t know how to love someone with all of me because a lot of parts are missing but, Jesus fuck, I love you with all of me and more.

I know I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I'm sorry I wake you each night needing comforting because my life was spinning to fast and out of control. I'm sorry I feel like my life is falling apart everyday. I’m sorry I make your head hurt. From the moment I met you I wanted you to be okay. Please be okay, because I can't. I’ll quit all my bad habits, if you stay.

You built a house out of the bad thoughts rushing through your head and I tried to burn it down but you got caught in the flames. If it’s any consolation, I like the way you look with the tips of your hair singed off. I’m sorry your mother won’t.

Alice went missing again off on her wonderful adventures away from the boring routine that is reality. If only I could tag along or go off on my own adventures to Wonderland. Imagine the fun I could have, imagine the people- the creatures I would meet. How much I would not miss this boring place they call reality. Gray skies, rude people, boring day jobs, and no fun at all. Not anything like the Wonderland with disappearing cats full of riddles, a mad hatter, a white rabbit pressed for time, an evil big-headed queen with an obsession with decapitation. Maybe one day I'll find Wonderland, but unlike Alice, I won't come back-ever.

My dear i know we are not perfect, far from it actually, but our broken pieces and rough edges fit perfectly together with each other's mending ourselves making us almost whole again. Our minds are two parts of a puzzle in a box of mixed up and random puzzles. We may not be perfect but we are happy and whole together. We are perfectly imperfect.

You were a dream  I could not forget. A dream that lingered in the back of my mind all day until I shut my eyes to sleep and re-lived the same dream once again- night after night. You are a dream that I don't want  to wake up from.

No matter what they say or what you want to believe, no matter what has happened to make your heart so cold and lifeless, a dead heart can still beat with the right person to love and be loved.

Maybe you light up my day.  Maybe you make me smile through the darkness in my head.  Maybe you make my stone cold heart beat again.  Maybe you woke up the butterflies in my stomach and make them dance every time you touch me.  Maybe I like you a hell of a lot more than I've let on but maybe I'm afraid to be close.  Maybe it's because I'm afraid to lose you. 

"Do you believe in soulmates?" My friends as every time we talk about you and me. Every time I'm faced with a difficult question I do not know how to answer in words they will understand. I like the idea of soulmates, though. The idea that someone, somewhere is made for me forever and that person just might me you.