Rewriting The Stars

People always tell you when life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade. But they never tell you how to make lemonade when life hands you grenades instead.

If distance makes you wise, then I must be a genius because everyone I've ever loved has moved away.

I forgot what it was like to be me. I've spent so much of my time trying to be what everyone else wanted, that I lost who I really was. I want to remember the thrill of dancing on the roof and in the rain. I want to remember my camera always pointed, capturing the beauty of memories. I want to remember the elegant, truthful words that use to roll off my tongue and through my pen. I want to remember what love felt like, people loving me and me loving others. I want to remember true friends I could talk to without judgment. I want to remember family under the saying Ohana.  I want to remember the real me. No, I don't just want to remember it all,  I want to experience it all again.

Everyone tries to fix me.  They all think they're the one who can accomplish  this impossible task. Talking about feelings,  learning to trust,  gaining friends,  kissing,  hugging,  fucking.  None of it fixed me.  I always went home afterward,  took off my makeup, looked in the mirror,  and my broken reflection stared back at me. I'm still broken, despite everyone's efforts.  Will I ever be okay again?

The lies can't go on any longer. The love can't be faked anymore. I'm not perfect and I don't love you. I don't want to be alone but I never intended to go this far. I'm fucked up, but I'm sorry I hurt you. You didn't deserve that. But you needed to know.

Why is there so many songs about "true love" and "soul mates" but next to no songs about finding and mending yourself?  Self love is so much more important than "soul mates"  You can be your own true love. Why can't they make that a topic of a song?

I want to go home,  but I don't know where that is anymore. It's not where I stay the night. It's not at my parent's home. It's not in his arms. Where is it?

"I love you," he said. I smile at him in thanks, not replying. Confusion colors his face as he wonders why I don't return the sentiment as I have before. He voices he concern, "Why don't you say it back?" "How can I tell you that if I don't truly believe in love? I won't lie to you like that," I tell him, hoping he'll understand-hoping he won't be mad.

I still care even though you don't Apologies won't amend the pain or ease the guilt. I still care though I shouldn't I still care even though you've moved on. I still care though I supposedly moved on. I still care even though you want to hate me. I still care though you've hurt me tremendously, as I've hurt you. I still want you. I still miss you. I still love you. I still care about you...

How the kill yourself internally: Reread old messages between you and someone you used to be close to when now you are strangers.

His arms wrap around a girl's waist.  They smile brightly at each other.  He bends down and presses his dark, full lips  to her pale ones.  Happiness exudes from them as they embrace. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wake up in a cold sweat.  The same dream, days in a row.  I can't get him out of my head, I miss him so much.  I roll over into the arms of a guy I vaguely know.  He's still sleeping, his bare chest peeking out from the sheets. I get up quietly and grab my clothes. I dress and walk out into the cold wind.  The sweat on my skin from tonight's activities,  chilling me even more so with the wind.  The moon is out and full.  I think about him and if he's asleep with the girl he loves.  I hope he is.  At least, then, he's happy.  One of us deserves to be,  even if it's not me.

Our sweaty palms hold each others tightly, while my converse stick to the soda and butter-covered floor. I think I can hear your heart racing, I wonder if you can hear mine racing in my chest. My mind races and my heart picks up speed when you glance at me. Though an action film plays in front of us, I can't keep my eyes off of you and the way your eyes look as they'd dart around the screen, absorbing every detail. You glance at me every once in a while, as if checking to make sure I was still there. A small smile colors your face when I'm still there. We both reach into the popcorn bucket at the same time, our fingers brushing causing our simultaneous blushes and burst of giggles at the cliche, as we're shushed by the lady behind us. Every date feels like the first with you.

Nobody is ever better off without their mother or father. Nobody is ever better off without their family, whether or not it's biological.

I always thought my heart would be mended with a tight enough hug from a guy who holds my heart. I've hugged every guy who has even touched my heart, hugged them so tightly I may have broken a bone or two of theirs. But my heart is still broken. They can't fix me...

I've made mistakes, hell I'm still making them. I just pray that you'll forgive me. 

Promises were broken and love was lost. I was scared of love and you loved with all you had. I ran as fast as I could and you waited for me.  I came back and now it's your turn to be scared of me. 

My heart misses him. It skips a beat at his presence and my skin tingles at his touch. My brain can’t seem to quit thinking about him. My subconscious won’t seem to stop haunting me with dreams focused on him. My arms scream to hug him. My hand itches to hold his. My lips long for his to be pressed against mine. I just can’t seem to let him go.

2015 please be good to be. Bring me love and happiness. Bring me dancing in the rain, good books to take me from reality, love to fall into, and adventures to go on. Bring me beautiful pictures to take, someone to stay up with all night talking about everything on our minds, good coffee, and only love to give. Bring me a good year with the highest of ups and only short downs.